I know the first step to making it work (if possible) long-term is to move out from his mom, we need to be on our own..but it's getting to that point that I'm struggling with!! He cooks, you clean. Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. I wont do what he did but he went into a business (in his field) with a business partner. Want more of our free, weekly newslettersinyourinbox? His child support, truck payment, etc., leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. She keeps saying if they had anything it would have been for him. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. He makes decent money, but he hasnt been able to save much because he is responsible for so much. It was an example. This suggests that hes hiding something and what hes hiding is most likely that hes using you for your money. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. And scrapbooking is expensive! Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies. You can and should make proper decisions about your own future. (And read my 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted.) AND he's bad with money and is $50K in the hole from his own bad relationship with money. You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time. A man who knows how to take care of himselfand cares enough to make the effort to do so will be far more inclined to step-up and take care of you than someone who just expects you to live according to his low standards or act as a full time maid-service. However, there are some certain things that you can look out for, and as long as you know what youre looking for, youll be able to figure out if your husband really is using you financially. It will even become impossible to do a budget and stick to it because he becomes your unforeseen or emergency expense every month. If he or she is on the fence, here are some signs that your partner has a pair of toxic parents. The Life Of His Own/Relationship Equation:Im obviously not suggesting that every woman start loving the idea of a Costa Rican bachelor party blow-out (sorry, gentlemen, I know too much), but imagine never having time to unwind with your girls over a bottle of wine or take that trip to the ultimate spa retreat with your bestie? Answer (1 of 7): I supported my parents for over twenty years. But I financially support my partner, and I feel extremely judged as a result. I think he should find them a nice but more affordable apartment in a less expensive area, and continue his conversation with them about how they can contribute more, as this has been going on for a few years. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. Btw both him and his sibling have been supporting themselves after graduating high school! Giving him money all the time does not help him but makes him even more lazy. But I cant pay for our hypothetical apartment on my own for long. what zodiac sign is janet from the good place; sam's club cake catalog; forrest county busted newspaper; east greenwich nj public works; entry level graphic designer salary chicago; flash mort acteur; If your boyfriend isnt willing to set a timeline for moving in together or a limit on how much hes giving his parents, listen carefully. Ps. newport beach police chase boyfriend financially supports his family. The Job/Relationship Equation:Theres more to him having a job than you not wanting to constantly split (or get) the check; its a view into his personal code. BTW: I have even talked to people at my company and found job intereviews for her to go to, becasuse she says her jobs don't give her enough hours (ha) and she just doesn't gosays that she "forgot about it". How many times did he make poor financial decisions and did he learn anything from it or not? . Im worried theres something seriously wrong with me to be treated this way, Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit, My girlfriend takes issue with my friend who happens to be an ex. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect - the sticky mother-in-law woes. OP needs to figure out if she's the one to give this dude the wake up call or back off completely. These skills are not only about self-sufficiency (and a dislike of smells and critters), but show that one is interested in enjoying life and not too lazy to go beyond the basics. When Its Workable:If your man has recently changed directions, graduated school or been laid off, give him a break. There's just too much other baggage involved. Read this: 5 Phrases Every Smart Woman Needs In Her Vocabulary, STAT! They have money, but they don't want to touch it. In most relationships, especially in marriages, both partners give and take when it comes to finances and the financial burden is never put onto one person. Sexless Marriage Effect on a Husband: What Is It and What Can You Do? Need Advice! In a world of dating sites and swiping right, couples who do everything together may seem retro and cute from the outside, but theres a real value in flying solo, even when attached. And completely unsustainable. After reading this article you will now be aware of the signs to look out for if your husband is using you financially. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and he has real feelings for you, but you are very much the solution to many of his problems. Mom will be around for the next maybe 30-40 years of their marriage living with them. I was really embarrassed. 11 junio, 2020. If he won't agree to that, then you have to accept that though you may have many things about him you think are great, his mommy issues are not tolerable and you don't want to live in a group family situation your whole life so that part is just not compatible and you need to find someone else. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week . You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. Truthfully, engagement is completely out of the question once he says and does these. .You are not going to like my reply but this is hardly a surprise. Also each family is a unit that is accustomed to. Considering the fact that financial abuse is recognized as a form of domestic violence, 2 approximately 1 in 7 men (18 years and older) will experience a form of domestic violence. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. boyfriend financially supports his family 16 .. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. No sense taking on someone else's bad financial decisions. I dont have a real relationship with his parents, and Im not willing or able to offer my own financial support to them. Make sure the source is set correctly and that CORS support is enabled. He works long hours/double shifts, cannot attend most of our hangouts with friends, etc and still barely make it to the end of the month. F that. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. The blood is thicker than water approach is going to get in the way of your long-term love, warns Estes. I think that right now you need to not focus on "making this work" as far as you rolling over and seeing how you can get yourself to like this, but being honest and if you are miserable with it, be honest with yourself. You dont have a relationship with his parents, and youre not going to support them. The importance of personality cannot be overstated. For example, its quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for everyday expenses for example. 13 Signs Your Husband Is Using You Financially. When I try to talk to him about how living with his mom still is hendering US from starting our future together by footing the bills of her every month - he just says "how? Thanks for taking the time responding to my question. Posted August 10, 2016. Being able to show not only my passion for writing, but also my passion to help others in their relationships, means the absolute world to me and I hope to continue doing so. Ive told him my concerns and he was receptive to them, though neither of us knows what to do next. Recently, the ex-wife has fallen on times so hard that she and her children were likely facing eviction- and she asked her ex-husband if he could help her financially. His mindset is and always has been that she comes first and he has not set up boundaries. Being a motivated human being is far sexier than sitting on a fat stack of cash (although I'm not going to lie, the fat stack of cash doesn't exactly hurt your case). Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. This article aims to explore the unique challenges and opportunities that come with navigating age gaps in relationships. My parents are in a good financial situation and dont need my help. The whole, "I live in a basement, so my parents can have a great place and nice things," doesn't quite ring true to me. She has even gone so far as to ask my boyfriend to call certain companys that she owes money to, (to discuss when she will be able to pay her bill, etc.) His income is barely covers his outflow. 3. No, Im not talking Todd English-style dishes and floors so clean you can eat off of them (though, both would be nice). You can continue to be naive but you will continually be blamed in this situation. Most couples talk about money, and its natural to want to talk to your spouse about income and outgoings. So, without further adieu, lets get into it! When Its Not:Estes says there are certain red flags that should not be overlooked. If you are paying more than 50% of another person's necessary living expenses, you financially support that person. He will ask you a lot of financial favors. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. Only you can decide what you can withstand in your financial life together. I do want that extra money spent on me, or in our future, instead of giving it to "family" that don't really care about him. He told me he cannot stop supporting them. True, confronting him in that way almost guarantees some issues in your own relationships, but . However, if your spouse is innocently leaning on you financially, they wont spend your money recklessly. Its more important to examine how the two of you work through these issues. First, you've only known him for four months. My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. Requested URL: www.thepennyhoarder.com/debt/boyfriend-supports-his-parents/, User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 10.0; Win64; x64) AppleWebKit/537.36 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/103.0.5060.114 Safari/537.36 Edg/103.0.1264.62. Studying the vast and complicated world of relationships entices me, and I am constantly striving to learn more, so I can then help others with more knowledge and experience. A lot of men will also try to control the money of their wife or use a woman financially because they cant deal with the fact that a woman is more financially stable than they are. If hes not fighting for something as important as his career, how can you expect him to fight beside you when the going gets tough? And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? He pays for 85 percent to 100 percent of their rent (which is pretty pricey), and for food, utilities and other costs. Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. My boyfriend and I have an income gap in our professions, so he financially supports me. Youre not moving in together until hes brought his support to a sustainable level. I wouldnt want him to stop supporting them if they need the help. If your man cant live on a budget, and its your money that hes going over budget with, - hes not keeping to a budget because he doesnt care about spending your money, its not his after all. So you basically don't know him at all. He lives in a rented basement for but has rented his parents a nice apartment/condo. It's very okay to support your boyfriend financially. I think, I just want a strong future, and I don't see that with his family in the picture. Now, heres the caveat, ladies: You should be able to offer all of these things, too. My financial situation is significantly better than his. It's a fair point. Recently the situation has changed. That said, if the only cooking your man does is heating up his General Tsos in a dirty microwave, it may be a sign of something more serious. Letsgetstarted. As mentioned, its often difficult to tell if someone is using you financially. When/If you two really decide to move in together is when you can start talking about finances. Thanks for your comment. The post began with the 27-year-old outlining her relationship with her boyfriend. You guys need to sit down together and work this out peacefully and non-judgmentally. Answer (1 of 60): Absolutely and unequivocally no, you should not help your new boyfriend financially. I would be lying if I say U never thought about what you described and I havent got that feeling from him since started dating. if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. to assemble a debt repayment plan. I chalk these things up to being the side effects of a full life. Full disclosure I'm pretty cynical. However, my boyfriend will still need to support his family. We have grown up with fairy tales and romantic comedies that have told us that the ultimate goal in life is to find our true love and live happily ever after. He has a sibling but there is no expectation from the sibling. I have come to the same conclusion, but want to make sure I am not making a mistake or missing something that I have problem with his current lifestyle. But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does. He has a good career and could have makeup for his financial difficulties if he did NOT have to support them. Once a Parent, Always a Parent: How to Love and Support Your Adult Children. His parents are older and currently unemployed. He Always Takes More Than He Gives. The family dynamic is messed, but rather than cut his family off or create a fuss, it's much easier for him to pay the 350. How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? Am I making a mistake? If your guy is taking your money and spending it on himself, doing things that dont actually benefit you, for example, buying himself new clothes or going out with his friends, it could be a sign that hes using you. pastoralcucumbers We have talked about his parents dependance on him and that i am not comfortable and have issues with it. The important thing is to establish what is going to happen when you get married. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. In order to comply with the internationally applicable GDPR - and other regulations, no IP address or user account originating in your geographic location will be accepted. Look out for him spending your money, making you feel guilty for spending your money, expecting you to pay for everything, and essentially just taking more than he gives. If you notice that your spouse is always taking from your joint account, to fulfill their spending habits, and theyre never adding any money, they could be using you and draining the account. He is a very capable person with good education. Our families helped us as much as they could, but for the most part we are self-made. No products in the cart. To be fair to him, he does buy me flowers, and chocolates and he pays 70% of the time we go out. I do know people who make the decision to move parents in when they are very old and infirm, but his mother is able bodied and can in theory take care of herself but instead she chooses to rely on her son and he lets her. As for him supporting his ex financially, I don't know if there are children involved, a divorce decree, or if this is just him staying attached emotionally. My BF was going through a rough patch so I was there to help him financially. If he doesn't have a plan, he'll never have his debt resolved. 101 Hot Date Ideas for Married Couples to Try. It will never be your job to fix someone else's financial mistakes. Your husband doesnt have to give you money, just as you dont have to give your husband money. Social media has become an integral part of modern society, with millions of people using it on a daily basis. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. Read this: I Hacked Into A Cam Girls Computer And What I Found Truly Terrified Me, The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know SoFar, The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever ToldYou. But you're not obligated to financially support him. Do not focus on his mom. What you need to hear is some concern for your feelings. We're looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldn't be an issue. My partners at different times were understanding but there was an unpleasant aspect that created some negativity around the subject sin. A woman in China was so outraged by the dishes she was served by her boyfriend's parents that she ended the relationship; A video of the dishes she posted on social media has been watched more . Thanks so much for your advice. Do you have any advice? Will this be a Red Flag for her? Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. Also he lied abut the amount he was giving. You know what I am talking about. In most relationships, especially in marriages, both partners give and take when it comes to finances and the financial burden is never put onto one person. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Don't get married if you feel the partner is dominating or financially incompatible. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I earn slightly less but dont have many debts or expenses. In a healthy relationship, your partner should never begrudge you for spending your own money, unless youre being reckless with it. He will borrow from you a LOT. Although it might be difficult to come to terms with the fact that your husband could be financially abusing you, its important that you deal with it straight away, as soon as you confirm thats what hes doing. While it's totally OK if 1 spouse earns more than another, it's not OK for 1 spouse to not contribute financially if they have a job and earn an income. 1. TOPE OMOGBOLAGUN writes about the challenges of having a spouse who doesn't support their partner financially. I feel bad when I take advantage of people that are honestly trying to help me, and I know that I'm doing it..I just need to be stronger" A few days later, she is back in our room asking him for more money (that he doesn't have). Plus, "if you keep offering more support than you receive, you risk . Your personality influences everything from the way you make decisions to how you respond to challenges and opportunities. My boyfriend works 40+ hours a week at a office type job that he HATES and bairly makes enough to get by and I work also 40+ hours a week as an office admin making ok money, and he and I are both trying to complete our college educations by taking night classes so things are tight right now..having his mom act like a helpless 2 year old, sitting on her kiester ALL damn day while I'm at work and then at school - PISSES ME OFF! 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. Don't expect him to be your financial supporter 1. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we have talked about a future together.

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